I failed to find a publisher for this so I am abusing my role as blog editor to share here a mock final presidential letter from Trump to Biden that I wrote up as a joke last night. It was inspired by a friend posting on facebook a photo of Trump with his large order of McDonald’s catering–personally, I think the Total Landscaping image was the most entertaining–so I decided to imagine what Trump might include in a letter to Biden.
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January 20, 2021
Dear Vice President Biden:
Welcome to the White House. Melania and I are sorry we cannot be here to welcome you—we were eager to return to our better house in Florida. You understand. But I do want to share a few tips about living here. First, the good news. The TV works, though I am having a bit of trouble with the internet lately. The food is adequate (and they do have ketchup); fortunately, McDonald’s delivers. The beds are nice and clean. Trust me. And if you ever need to clean up anything, there are lots of paper towels around. Plus, if you want to fix up the lawn or gardens, I know a good landscaping business that can help.
I need a new paragraph for the bad news. In general, I have the best words, but I have a hard time coming up with them with regard to having to live in D.C. Melania really couldn’t stomach the people here for while so she delayed moving in. I don’t blame her. There are a lot of losers here. A lot. Especially the dead ones—losers. Take the staff. Literally. I prefer people more dependent on me and I didn’t find that here. Some of them are just whiners. The Secret Service folks did as I said, but I really am tired of hearing about their bathroom needs. And Washington can be a bit much. The shadow people are everywhere. I had to escape to Mar-a-Lago whenever I wanted to get some work done. Plus, the golf in Scotland is better—I would look into relocating the White House there. Seriously.
That is about all I have to say. I hope you know I don’t mean everything I said over the past four years. As I have said before, many of my supporters are easily manipulated. Some people you will find just care about looking good for the cameras. But as long as you wave something shiny in front of the cameras, they will forget what you might have said before. So don’t be afraid of a war or two. What’s the worst that could happen? Good luck with everything and keep the place nice: we plan on returning in four years. On that note, do sleep tight.
-Donald “MAGA!” Trump
P.S. Please upgrade Air Force One for me. I want more gold next time.
Poverty Law 